Go suck on a frozen pineapple, asshole!

So I went to see yet another over hyped movie at Sathyam complex. I was standing in the queue, the heat was unforgiving and as far as I could see, there were about 7 people in front of me. Hmmm, I thought to myself, but was impressed with the 'any counter - any movie' system.

One particular dude came and stood alongside me and was staring at the movie list. He looked long enough at one movie, 'RDB' which clearly had the words ' house full' written in black bold right next to it. He screamed across to his friends immediately," Machan, RDB paakalam da".

The whole lot followed suit with hi-5's as if it were an achievement to hear that piece of fucked up news. One of them gang members ( probably the only one who behaved as if he was not DOPED or something) was alert enough to spot the 'house full' sign and Mr. 'I-will-not-stand-in-one-place-but-will-keep-swinging-around-tapping-my- feet-out-of-queue-in-the-middle-of-nowhere', had to look for other options.

He was doing all sorts of things like shouting out to his friends and showing off his clichéd ultra-cool wanabe persona.

He could pass off as your day to day Roadside Romeo dressed in jeans so tight that his heart would fucking have to pump twice as hard to get a few drops of blood into his leg and feet, let alone other areas. I knew, instantly, that this creature next to me was a classic dimwit who may arouse the Mr.pissed in me! I was proved correct soon after.

Romeo, now, knavishly moved in front of me and attempted to cut in front. Hey you dimwit, there is a queue here and four other human beings behind me! If you think you can classify yourself into that species, I would recommend that you join right at the back.

To that, Romeo said," I have been standing here for the last 10 minutes and you have also seen me standing here. Why are you now telling me to get back?"

"No, you fucking dickwart! You were not standing in the queue. You were standing alongside me and you still are doing the same not to mention all the free monkey acts you have performed ever since. And if you haven’t noticed, the line behind me just grew by 4 people."

Romeo said and this really annoyed me," Gentleman! I have only 3 tickets to buy"

I lost it. I just lost it all. I screamed," Fuck you BITCH; I am no gentleman for dumb asses like you. What do you think I am here for? To buy 300 hundred tickets or what? Moreover, I already saw the rest of your monkey gang outside and I sure can count more than 6. If you really want only three tickets, why the fuck are you having 4 hundred rupee notes in your hand? Do you think they are going to serve you soft drinks and popcorn at the ticket counter? Go suck on a frozen pineapple, asshole.

Fucktard!

By then, I had created enough ruckus and people standing in the queue behind me got to understand the situation and came to my support. Romeo was rightfully sent to the back.

But for some reason he was still shaking around, tapping his feet and moving as if he had been permanently struck by lightning or something to its near effect.

Don’t get me wrong, but I don’t mind letting a senior citizen through or even any random person as long as they are courteous enough to ask politely. But I can’t stand RIP-OFF's and people who think they are too cool to stand in a queue.

Butt face! Had the guts to tell me that he never saw me in the queue. Where does he think I came from then? MARS!!

Dickwart!!

Had they removed your brain and stuffed it into the head of a bird, the bird would have started flying backwards!

Don't you dare point your finger at me!!!

Okay, I was walking down the street one sunny afternoon with the Chennai heat blazing away. I had to fix my grandmothers cooker (or something that resembled that) and was hunting for a shop when a man walked towards me and asked for the time.

For some fucking reason he kept pointing at his wrist while asking me this question. The first time, I did not mind. I quickly looked into my watch and was trying to see the time.

Since it was really bright and we were out on the road, I was unable to see the time as the reflection off the watch surface was too much. I immediately tried to adjust the angle and was making a sincere effort to get the time for him.

But the fucking twit did not understand the problem in spite of my explaining to him that I was not able to see the time because of the reflection. (Although, I was trying hard to find out). He kept pointing at his wrist and kept asking for it over and over again.

I got really ticked off when he pushed his arm right in front of me and pointed furiously at his wrist, which, of course did not have a watch.

"Hey you fuck head, I know where people wear their wrist watches and there is no fucking reason for you to show me your wrist"; Moreover, the bastard did not have a watch, but was still pointing at his bare wrist. He pissed me off further when he started pointing at my wrist and my watch.

"I mean, seriously, What The Fuck man? I am trying to do you a favor by looking at my watch against the reflection of the sun, blinding myself in the process, just so that you can have the time and you are pointing at my wrist and my watch?? Fucktard!!"

I tell you, people who point at their wrist while asking for the time just PISS ME OFF. "I know where my watch is, buddy. The question is where the fucking hell is yours?

Don't get me wrong, but do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?? "

Fuckwits!! Just there to piss me off!!

CLAP CLAP !! Auto Varumma??

Well, I haven’t been pissed off lately and everything has been going on just fine until about now.

As you may or may not have realized already, I am in Chennai right now on vacation, but will return to the USA soon.

So, here I was driving my mum down one particularly reasonably sized road( a road on which at least two medium sized cars can drive abreast) , very pleased with myself, my car and Chennai city when I once again got the opportunity to get pissed off. Not that I really need a stimulus to get pissed off, but to move from one emotional corner of self content to the other extreme of getting highly pissed, can come about only with the help of our good old "ELLOW COLOR CHENNAI AUTOS". With that I get started on why I got so pissed off.

So here I am, gently driving down this road at about 30 km/hr and I see the standard back of an auto. I fucking hate autos simply because they get in your way and that too for no apparent reason.

As I expected, Mr. "I own the road, so I will not move" auto dude was crawling at about 5 km/hr right in the middle of the road. Yes, he's looking for a fucking "Savaari" (a term generally used by auto drivers when they crawl at snails pace in the middle of absolutely any fucking road to pick up customers to transport from point A to B).

The entire stretch of this road ahead of him was empty. Why? Hmm, that's easy to answer. It's because the fucking auto was blocking every other motorized vehicle that can possibly travel faster than 5 km/hr and not to mention the blistering heat and humidity in Chennai, it would be just too fucking nice to drive faster and get some wind in the hair which would other wise seem non existent.

So, some good 20-25 cars and buses and trucks honk the shit out of their car horns hoping to steal all the happiness out of this auto driver, but to no success. But all was not lost. A "Pallavan Bus" (The Govt owned public transport in Chennai - Ooooh yeah, I have tons of things to write about them, but they deserve a post of their own because I am way too pissed off with them too) pulled up alongside my car and honked his super turbo charged horn in a valiant attempt to disseminate the obstinate auto driver.

To this, finally, the auto reacted. He realized that there was a bus behind him. He realized what he heard was not a fancy ring tone from a cell phone. Even better, he realized there were no vehicles in front of him at peak hour and he realized he had to move to the left to allow the vehicles to pass and guess what? He MOVED a FUCKING 3 INCHES TO THE LEFT!!!

I mean, WHAT THE FUCK, REALLY?

Hell, Yeah, that's got to do the trick! 3 inches to the side and the bus is gonna get through. Yeah, Right!

Now you see, the 3 METRE WIDE bus can easily pass through and all the cars in Chennai are only designed 2.9 INCHES WIDE, so they would not have a problem either. Fucktards!!

Yeah! That ought to do the trick.

Fucking twit just PISSED ME OFF so much!

It was not until another round of honking that he moved over to allow the traffic to go through. But believe me that really pissed me off first thing in the morning and I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE.

Fucking low down nincompoops!

Burn EM and Milk EM !!!

So yeah, I was reading the newspaper one morning sitting in Chennai and I fucking see the weirdest thing and got so pissed off.

In some places in Salem, a group of idiotic men have decided that they would make their animal walk on burning coal as a sacrifice to the lord. The poor cows in this case are made to walk over burning charcoal while these half crazy men cheer the entire process.

This ritual, I believe is done to please the gods into blessing the cows to provide more milk on a daily basis. What the fuck? How about feeding your cows something better to start with? Ever tried that? How about healthier food and some extra rest? How about reducing the whipping for Christ’s sake? Ever tried that?

Idiots!! They really pissed me off. How in the world would a walk over hot coal ever produce more milk?

Ahhhhh!!! These things really piss me off!!!

Supersize my Ass

Don’t get me wrong, but what the hell is with some people who diet.

So here I am, walking down the street, hungry and cold, hoping to get a bite to eat at the local Mc Donald's and I find the place virtually empty upon reaching. I go inside and am really thrilled that they are open and walk towards the counter to place my order when this huge, fat, triple chin balding guy walks right in front of me, cuts me off and goes to make his order before me.

I don’t usually get too pissed for things like that but that's not what I am talking about. What happened next really pissed me off!!!

Mr. Big fat dude orders for a super sized value meal with a whole lot of beef and fries and guess what, he also asks for a DIET Coke!!!

I mean, come on man, and give me a fucking break here. What are you trying to prove and who are you trying to cheat? Freaking get your self salads and grilled chicken for Christ’s sake. Park your Mercedes S class at home and take a fucking walk or something once in a while.

Seriously, does he really think that the diet coke is even going to make a difference? Not to mention that he cut across me to make a bigger ass out his already bloated one.

What a whole load of crap. Just pissing me off!!!

Pissed Again

Well, here it goes. I have been pissed off quite a lot lately and have no clue what so ever why. I just can’t freaking figure out some people. What pisses me off most is when your close friends start telling you to do stupid things that may make sense only to the one actually saying it. How can anything be generalized at all. There are bound to be exceptions to the rule. Isn’t every person different?

It just pisses me off when things like that happen.